Waiting around to be chosen.
Waiting to be chosen for marriage.
Waiting to be chosen for law school internships.
Waiting for people to see how 'good' I was, and pick me. Choose me.
I thought I was supposed to be ‘good’ and that by being ‘good’ I would get all the things.
So I was the quintessential ‘good girl’ helpful to my parents, did well in school, didn’t make a fuss about anything, put everyones needs before my own, stuff down and swallow my own desires, needs and negative emotions.
I tried so hard to be good on the outside. Which cased so much resentment, anger, bitterness and jealousy to fester within me. I thought those emotions were proof that I wasn’t actually ‘good.’
I feared Allah was punishing me. After all, a good person isn’t secretly jealous and resentful!
I was trapped in a cycle. Do good so I can get what I want, when things didn’t come- take it as evidence that I’m not good enough, feel bitter and unworthy, leading me to try harder to prove my worth.
I was exhausted.
My whole mindset, my entire view of myself and my perception and understanding of Allah was skewed negative. The deeper belief that I did’t even realize I had was:
- I am bad and Allah is judging me harshly. -
Everything I did was trying to counter that deep belief. Getting all the things would be proof that I was good and so I tried desperately to bring them all into my life.
It didn’t work.
It’s only when I started believing in myself, seeing my greatness instead of my flaws, appreciating my value instead of counting my mistakes that things shifted.
The first shift broke me free of the cycle and the subsequent ones have opened me up to be more than the girl in the picture could have ever imagined.
I'm guiding you out of the cycle of struggle in this 5 part extravaganza!
I invite you to DROP THE LOVE STRUGGLE!
